Fear, Faith and the "Courageous" Movement.

Work, family, house, travel - these are all the horses on the carousel that is my life right now. Sometimes it's fun; often I feel dizzy and a little sick.

Lately I've been grappling with a spike in my anxiety and stress. This means in addition to being anxious about failing in the first place, I've got the added joy of feeling like a failure because I am so anxious all the time. I have spent an inordinate amount of time trying to will away my anxiety, and kicking myself when I can't manage that feat. This, of course, creates more anxiety. The carousel keeps spinning.

I'm a person of faith, so I've tried lately to turn to my faith for comfort, but there has been something grating at me. Something nagging. Something not right. Every time I read that devotional or that Bible verse, I feel a sense that it's just adding to the weight, creating more of a burden instead of lifting it. And this has pained me greatly - the fact that turning to my faith, which normally centers and grounds me, now seems to be just pulling me deeper into the black. 


It struck me this weekend, what part of the problem is.


There's a bravery movement in modern-day Christian rhetoric. All the bloggers and the thinkers and the musicians are saying, be brave! Don't be afraid! Yesterday I read, "If you leap, either God will catch you, or He will teach you how to fly!" or something like that. Or you'll plummet to your death. Let's be real: it's an option in this world.

It's true, there are TONS of verses in the Bible that encourage us not to fear. I've heard a rumor there are 365, one for each day of the year, but I think that might be Christian urban legend. 
One of my favorites, that used to bring me a lot of comfort, is this one:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7 NIV

It's a lovely one, isn't it? 


Just reading it right now? Doesn't work. Hmmm. 


Here's another good one: 
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 NIV

I have this one up by my computer. Because, hey, it's a commandment! God told me I HAVE to stop being afraid. So just STOP, right? Should be easy enough. Some writers have intimated that being anxious is actually sinful, because if we are anxious we are not trusting God fully.

So even though bloggers have pointed me to verse after verse, even as my own study has directed me to passage after passage where God tells us we don't have to fear or worry... I have found that I can't just STOP, even as much as I might want to. And as I have reflected on this, I have started to feel broken, and sinful, and guilty. I have started to feel like I was wrong to be anxious. And that feeling of being fundamentally wrong has... you've guessed it... made me more anxious.

I don't think there's anything wrong with encouragement, just to be clear! And I think much of the recent push toward "courageous" thinking in the Christian thinkosphere is centered around encouragement. But I think there is a bit of a wrong message in the idea that we can just wish anxiety away by thinking cheery thoughts about God or forwarding along a picture of a flower with a Bible verse on it. A platitude on Pinterest, it turns out, can't fix my brain chemicals. And me feeling like a failure in life because I can't get it together after reading ten blithe FB posts? Not okay.

For those with anxiety, it's a lifelong struggle. I believe that turning to faith, to prayer, to meditation, is one way to support that struggle. I think things like cognitive behavioral therapy and medication are also solid paths toward better balance in certain situations.

I also think the first verse above still gets it right. It will take prayer. It will take petition. It will take turning, again and again, toward gratefulness. It's not easy; it's not a quick fix. It's a process, it's work. Just saying, "Well, I should feel OK because God is there" or "I shouldn't feel this way because I should be grateful" is not the magic cure.

As a culture, I think we need sensitivity (no matter what our faith or belief system) to the struggle that those who suffer from anxiety and depression face over time, and that it isn't a faucet that can be turned off if we try hard enough, if we're just stronger and braver, or if we just click "like" on enough happy Facebook posts. It's deeper and it's more difficult than that. Going deeper, enduring the difficult, eschewing the easy fix... I think this is what my faith journey is moving me toward.