Breaking the cycles.

"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." - Albert Einstein

I have some thought-ruts. You know, paths my brain tends to go down, predictably, over and over, often unbidden. I caught myself in the middle of one of these ruts just the other day. This is one that runs through my head quite frequently, and which I cannot stand because it is rife with guilt, fear and negativity.

It goes a little something like this:

1. I am so lucky to have X. (insert: my kids, my husband, my business partner, my clients, my house, this bottle of red wine, etc.)
2. EEK. Do I only have X because of luck? Because if this is just luck, I have no control and my luck is probably going to run out pretty soon. PANIC TIME!
3. NO! It's not luck! I work really hard for this stuff! Note how I try to wrest control back from the universe?
4. OH MY GOD. The only way I can maintain this (lifestyle, family, work relationship) is by working at it maniacally until I die! This is when I consider calling my physician and requesting heavy-duty anti-anxiety medication.
5. Well, the only reason I am in this position at all is because of luck anyway... you know, genetics, privilege, my parents, etc. Here, universe, have some of that control back, K?
6. I am so lucky to have X. Resume cycle of anxiety.

I wish I could say that I was exaggerating this little clip of internal dialogue, but I am not. I grapple with emotions of guilt and anxiety so often when I consider the blessings in my life. That's why the "gratitude journal" approach to happiness only carries me so far in my mental health quest. I begin to wonder, "Why me? Why do I get to have this? How can I possibly deserve it? Why are other people suffering?"

Now, I really don't want to stay bogged down in patterns of anxiety or guilt. No sir, not a productive or healthy place to be. But somehow I've been conditioned not to accept gifts. My husband laughs at me, because any time anyone offers me something, my knee-jerk answer is "No." The eye doctor offered me a bottle of water yesterday and I was all, "Oh. Oh no, I am fine. I am so fine."  So when it comes to the God-given gifts of health and family and safety and warmth, I feel so uncomfortable that I begin to find a reason why they can't be real, or why I am not worthy of them.

That means I go looking for problems with them. And that, my friend, is an unhealthy thought pattern.

Today, I bought some super-cheesy affirmation cards at the thrift store. They say things like, "There is plenty for everyone, including me" and "I experience love wherever I go" and "Life is simple and easy." Some of them are quite uplifting. Some make me wonder when I am going to start listening to Yanni on a regular basis. Maybe bathing myself intentionally in positivity is the way to go? Like a positive-thinking firehose? Or is there some other way to break the cycles of anxiety and guilt?

What do you do to get yourself out of your personal thought-ruts? How do you work to cut out guilt and fear?